So it’s my birthday today.
It feels odd because I don’t feel anything. In my mind, I know that this is a significant day to commemorate and that it means I’m a year older. But other than that, there is an absence of emotion attached to it.
I don’t feel happy. I don’t feel sad.
This is strange to someone like me because I place a lot of importance on feelings and the impact they have on life.
Does everyone become like this by the time they hit their 30’s? Is it inevitable that the longer we are in this life, the more numb and cynical we become? I certainly hope not to go there. I don’t want to be yet another old person in the future who always talks dismally about death and how I will encounter it soon and how everything in life is so predictable.
Having a baby in the family has reminded me that there are so many simple things in life that we take for granted as adults. Ordinary stuff, the kind we would bypass everyday, just fascinates Jamie.
He smiles at strangers in the lift. He constantly reaches out his hands towards things, wanting to touch, feel, smell, taste it all, because it is all so new, fresh, intriguing. He attacks each day with enthusiasm, eagerly racing towards the future, unaware of how complex life on this Earth can be.
I muse at his zest for life. And I wonder at the lack of mine.
I do not wish to die. At least not at this point in time. But yet, am I truly alive?