Into the unknown

Medication that I’m currently on to overcome possible infections that may be the cause of my thyroglossal cysts.

The year started on a semi sombre note for me. On New Year’s Eve, while washing my face in the morning, I discovered a somewhat painful lump in my neck. 
Being the often paranoid person that I am, I decided perhaps I should not jump to conclusions and check on it later. It could be that I was mistaken and merely imagining something there. 

But over the course of the last two weeks, I have seen my regular GP, the dentist and finally, an ENT specialist who confirmed for me the existence of a lump (in fact, two) in my neck. They are thyroglossal cysts. 

For now, the course of action to take is to go on a dose of antibiotics and to subsequently have another follow up visit. From then on, however, it’s anybody’s guess how things will go. 

My hope is that they will disappear of their own accord, as suddenly as they came, and leave me well alone. But there’s no telling at this point what they are and what long term impact they will have on my body. 

Of course, the doctor gives the general line of most cysts being 99.99% benign and a 0.001% of them being cancerous. There’s no way to find out though, unless fluid is extracted from the cysts for testing (mine are too small for that) or surgery is performed and the removed cysts sent to the lab for examination. 

I am not keen on surgery, especially with a little boy who is so attached to me at the moment. I cannot imagine Jamie being able to stand me being away from him even for just the surgical procedure, let alone be without me as I recuperate in the hospital. 

I also do not relish the thought of surgery being done on my neck, a very visible part of my face. The doctor already mentioned that it will certainly leave a scar. 

More than that, I don’t really look forward to the whole process of waiting for lab results and wondering what they might be in the meantime. 

Or having gotten the lab results, and maybe receiving unfavourable news. 

All these outcomes aren’t quite things I want to go through. 

So, here’s to hoping these mysterious fluid filled cysts go off on their own. I’m praying for it. Although I must say, I am not that faith filled when it comes to issues of healing. 

My eczema is my case in point. I’ve had it since I was a child. Many an optimistic Christian minister has come forth to pray for me, speaking authoritatively in the name of Jesus to command the skin problem to leave me. 

It could be my own doubt, or the shorcomings of those ministers themselves, but whatever it was, the outcome was always the same: My eczema did not leave me. 

Of course, now as an adult, I manage it a lot better and it doesn’t quite bother me in my day-to-day living as much as it did during my growing years. 

But what I’m saying here is that there are situations where God won’t heal you. And those times are hard to understand. Thankfully eczema isn’t anything debilitating, but things like cysts, who knows?

It is not for me to know yet, at this point, what the rest of 2016 holds for me. I anticipated that it would be a busy year, a challenging one, with Jamie turning one and taking on the years of toddlerhood. But I have not factored in what might be going on in my own personal life; be it my spiritual walk, my thoughts/emotions, relationship with Deric, life at church, commitments to extended family, and lots more. 

It feels a tad bleak at the moment though. For some reason, I tend to expect when things go smooth for a season that some kind of road bump must be up ahead. Perhaps this is it. Or maybe not. 

Who knows? 

I wonder why my Christian journey has always been tinged with a dash of melancholy. I wish it were joy filled, chirpy and full of miracles. But either that just isn’t God’s will for me, or my personality does not allow me to view life through that kind of lens. 

It’s just queer. This abundant life thing I’m supposed to have. Not saying my lot in life is all that bad. But there are days I do wonder: Is THIS it?

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