Madness or the fine line between 

Apparently, I used to lead a different kind of life before Jamie. I just about almost cannot recall any of it. Or even when I do, it all feels like a distant memory. 

I was talking to my Mum about it in the car just now. About how when you become a mother, you don’t have time for things like taking care of yourself. 

I have 2 separate toes oozing with puss that I have yet to figure out what to do about. 

I am deprived of sleep. Even when I do sleep, it’s mostly sitting up thanks to difficulties nursing Jamie lying down. 

I just had a cold yesterday thanks to being topless too long in a room with the air conditioning on (something we seldom do at home, but chose to do yesterday in order to keep the room extra cool so Jamie would feel more comfortable while battling his high fever). But I couldn’t rest because Jamie was unwell and he was constantly needing me. 

I have been due for a follow up appointment with an ENT doctor since the middle of this year. It’s now December. 

I never used to have this, but now I am almost constantly with a red/pink spot on my nose and dry patches of skin all around my mouth. Hideously ugly and hard to hide, even with makeup. 

Am I less of a selfish person because of all this?

Yes and no. 

Circumstances can shape the person you become. But it does not determine who you eventually will be. Only you alone can do that. If you allow yourself to learn the lessons you need to, and to let go of the things you needn’t cling on to. 

Every day, I am trying to be more patient with Jamie. And with myself. I still fail. 

But I wake up with each sunrise, and try again. 

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