Talk

Sometimes, I just want to talk something out.

Because talking gives sense to words, and arranging words in sentences helps you process situations, people, ideas.

But apparently talking annoys people a lot. Maybe because they’d have to listen and it’s things they don’t want to hear.

Well, we’ve all got things we are uncomfortable about. But if we don’t say them… don’t try to let them fall out in broken sentences or imperfect words… then how will we resolve them?

It’s bothering me currently that often, many people I know prefer to sweep things under the carpet and let it fester for years and years instead of just bringing it up and talking about it.

Could it be that the simple solution lies in just having a conversation about it and just having the freedom to express whatever needs to be said?

But no. Far better to stick to only saying nice things, and to smooth out the rough edges, always berating the one who wants to discuss things.

That someone being me, of course.

I’ve always believed that there is a resolution for every difficult issue out there. But I’m coming to realise that this only true when all parties involved want to do something to make things better.

Anytime someone gives up or refuses to budge to change anything, then nothing will ever improve and you’ll have those circumstances where people come to terribly sad conclusions like “irreconcilable differences” and the like.

I think it’s really for a lack of determination to find a way, honestly. But it’s hard to change people. And people will always insist that you are the one who is wrong, though sometimes you might not actually be.

(That’s not to say I’m never wrong, just that it’s hard to put in a word if all others care about is pointing out who’s right/wrong rather than what was actually needed for the situation.)

I suppose it seems like I am speaking in riddles. Well, I can’t decide how much details I should write about on a public platform like this blog.

Oh, but this is my space. Perhaps I shouldn’t care as much.

What do you think, my dear reader? Should we bring out the closet skeletons? Might be fun for a bit, no?

Spaces

There’s a lull in work currently. But I don’t think it’s good to lose whatever little writing rhythm I might still have in me. So here I am.

How have you been, dear Reader? Has the world been kinder to you in recent times?

Understandably, this year has been bleak in so many ways due to the whole Covid-19 drama. And it has yet to reach a satisfactory conclusion for the most part. In fact, most of our lives have been deeply impacted in ways maybe most of us don’t really wish to dwell too much on.

But these are just circumstances. The external layers, the things that envelope us, but should not define us.

What makes us who we truly are is what goes on inside us.

What has been bubbling within you lately? Do you still dream? What do you hang on to?

I must admit, in these recent years, I have not been left with much to hold on to.

Yes, family is an anchor, and God is always, always there. But there are times that I do wonder if I have enough with me to keep me going to the end of my days.

Will I be at peace with the version of me that I find as I draw my last breath?

Then again, nowadays there is so much to keep me busy that perhaps I shall not have time to think and reflect too much. Maybe that is good to avoid overthinking, which is something I am almost constantly doing throughout my life.

It feels strange to be writing to you right now, honestly. Like it’s a lost part of me. In fact, it’s almost like I cannot identify this blog as mine. Did I really write all those past posts?

I hope you are well, dear Reader. I shall do my best to write to you more often. This is a resolve I usually break the moment I finish writing a blog post, so I will not promise you anything further than this. I only hope to return soonest with more tales to regale you with.

I don’t lead that brilliant a life, I’m sorry to inform you. But I do have lots of thoughts floating about, and imagination and wistfulness, so hopefully it’s sufficient to keep you around.

I’ll see you again soon.

Words

I think I was born into the wrong era.

Society today prefers visuals over words. But for me, it has always been the other way around.

Perhaps if I lived back when letters, chariots and chivalry were the order of the day, I would have thrived more than I have in this lifetime.

Rather than merely garnering likes or comments on the webpages or social media accounts of my clients, maybe my words could have been used to persuade kings, to romance dark and mysterious strangers, or to convey the knowledge of mystical arts to hungry minds in remote corners of the unknown world.

Instead of being drowned in a sea of mindlessly shared videos out in the World Wide Web, perhaps my words could have sailed the seven seas and reached readers who would lap up every word in genuine eagerness. And there would be a chance they would even write me back, begging for more prosaic morsels.

But alas, I must concede to the ways of this generation.

Without an image to accompany this post, I will diminish the chances of anyone even bothering to read beyond the first sentence I have crafted.

Yet you might be that very slim exception, dear Reader. Here you are, after all.

Thank you for still reading.

Out

It’s April and I’m out of work.

Or at least that’s how it seems right now as I was more or less dismissed with an “I’ll get back to you later, I’m working on something” response from the client.

My guess is nobody would want to pay a freelancer like me at this time since finances may be tightening and the prospects for future business income may seem pretty bleak at this point.

Ah well. It’s not the first time that I have been without work since I began this full time freelance venture. It’s just that I can’t recall when this last happened, or how long it lasted (usually not long).

Anyway, it’s not good to leave my writing muscles unflexed throughout this period of work inactivity, so I guess the best way to stay in shape (mentally, I mean, mostly) is to find outlets where I can continue to write in some form or another.

I’ve been contemplating starting a social media mini series. I haven’t completely decided what it will be about yet, but I’m thinking something with positive vibes or a theme of hope would be good since there is so much fear and rumour mongering and depressing news going around lately with Covid-19 still in circulation.

Another thing I’ve sort of halfheartedly done (because in the past I usually fail at it) is sign up for the April Camp Nano. I couldn’t decide what to write about there, so tentatively I’m designating it as a collection of short stories, which I will write at random. Unless of course, some sort of direction or theme emerges along the way.

Meanwhile, life at home carries on in its usual fashion.

Today is just slightly out of the norm only in the sense that both hubs and I are already awake at 6+ in the morning (it’s usually only me) and there is activity in the kitchen already. Oh, and the Eldest One was awake out of the blue too (but hopefully, drifting back to sleep soon).

A grocery run may be imminent, and I do not look forward to finding out what is left or what dire straits we may actually be in soon. Sigh.

I’ve told myself I should write something here other than always journalling about real life. But I can’t seem to grasp any useful topic at the moment. I shall try next round, my dear Reader.

May your day today be brighter than the former, and may rays of hope shine amidst the darkness of your little corner.

Dawn

It’s Saturday. There is a lack of festive weekend vibes though.

Perhaps it’s the thought that we can’t go anywhere or do anything much. Or the fact that weekdays or weekends, they kind of all feel the same right now.

It’s Day #4 of the Restricted Movement Order (RMO).

Thanks to our stubborn countrymen, apparently the army will be called in to assist the police in ensuring we behave during this period and stay home as much as possible as we should. I’m searching for official news reports to confirm this. All I have for an info source right now was an SMS announcement, seemingly sent as a broadcast to us as citizens.

Well, anyway, it makes no difference to my family, since we had already imposed it on ourselves to not go out unnecessarily since last weekend, though the RMO wasn’t yet in place then.

Where we live, sandwiched between several highways and nearby public transport systems like the LRT, I still hear cars and lorries whizzing by. And the announcement bell sound used at the LRT station closest to us. It’s not terribly eerie. Yet.

I’m doing dishes, and have paused for a break. The rest of the family is still sound asleep. I am contemplating a bath. Will my youngest one awaken the moment I set foot into the bedroom?

Daily, we continue to hear of more confirmed Covid-19 cases. It seems we have become the country with the highest number of cases in Southeast Asia. Three deaths to date. It’s sad to note that this loss of lives has begun.

I wonder when everything will be back to normal. We are not in dire straits currently. I suppose I ought to be thankful for that.

We just restocked a fridge full of food which will probably last us for some days. The kids and us are all in one place. My parents and sis, though not living under one roof with us, stay nearby and as far as I know, are alright for the moment too.

But the hubs and I don’t know yet what income sources we will have come April, which will be upon us by the time the 14 day period of this RMO is done and over with. It’s unsettling, yet I believe worrying isn’t the answer.

Perhaps today will be the day we think of some brilliant idea to change things. Or tomorrow. I hope.

We’d already started quarrelling yesterday and it’s probably due to being cooped indoors as my dear hubs rarely takes to this kind of setup well. This, and lack of decent work to keep him busy. He has been repeatedly muttering how horrid it is that people get confined indoors like this. Ever the extrovert, he is. I should forgive him.

A gust of cool morning air has just blown in. It reminds me that it is almost 7am and my baby will probably be up soon.

I hope you are well, dear Reader. Be glad for the little things today. Much love from my corner of the world to yours.