Unwind

There are things I often imagine myself doing, Sitting in bed journalling at the end of every day is one of them. But I never really get round to actually doing it.

I do wonder why.

I guess other ad-hoc things often get in the way. And the fact that I am almost always trying to accomplish one too many things each day.

When will I actually act upon what I envision in my head?

Hopefully before I run out of days. Or time.

Oh, here we are

It’s 2019 and I have been absent from the blogging scene for quite some time now. And regrettably so, too. So much has happened, and it could have been stuff I blogged about and shared with you. But I didn’t.

Everything always feels so haphazard here. All these disconnected thoughts and ideas. The good intentions that remain just that.

Maybe it’s like this for me because on the Internet, everyone’s got their public profile so carefully polished such that it makes me feel that whatever I have to offer is so meagre and pointless. Like nobody is going to read it or care about it.

But every time those kind of sentiments engulf me, I ask myself again, why do I keep a blog? Is it just to collect thousands upon thousands of followers? Do I write to inspire? Am I doing so to make myself feel good or to solicit some form of validation from others to convince myself that my writing is legit and of sound quality?

It’s hard to write blog posts, perhaps, because writing is my trade. If I let a typo slip through the cracks, it feels like it completely blots out my credibility as a writer. So I keep putting off posting anything till I feel I have something worthwhile to say and the time and space to put it down in proper words.

Thanks to this ridiculous tendency to self-censor what I write though, I end up not posting ANYTHING most of the time. And that’s terribly sad.

I’d like to try blogging more often. I would like to say once a day, at least, whatever the content might be, but that feels like it’s a goal I’m going to break within less than a week. I don’t know. I feel like such an indisciplined bum.

I need to write to improve. I also perhaps need an outlet to say stuff that I feel matters.

I don’t really have any Insta-worthy pics to put up though. And no revolutionary topics to bring to the fore. I only have these tiny thoughts that bubble up from inside me. And this desire to bring cheer and encouragement to someone else who needs it.

I’m into my 30’s and I do realise that probably almost half of my life may have already passed me by. I don’t know how much impact I can have, neither do I know whether the rest of the years I have left will be enough for me to get good at all those things I should have worked on earlier in my life.

But perhaps, this year, I will try a bit harder to keep this blogging habit alive. No promises though.

Turntable 

I think the way expectations are set up for apologies makes it way too easy for “I’m sorry” to be said and for grievances to be brushed off. 

That since it’s expected of gracious human beings to forgive, it is entirely possible to do whatever you like and then come apologising for it later on. 

Because if the other person doesn’t forgive you, then it’s all on them. 

You’re not perfect, are you? So you should forgive. It’s an expected response. 

Never mind that you don’t like the options left to you because of someone else’s mistakes. You were given options… so can you afford to be ungrateful? 

Suddenly, even though you’re not the one who made a slip-up, you can quickly turn into the one to blame. And it’s something that can even be taken offence of. 

Such a sad state of affairs. Sometimes I wish being kind wasn’t my life goal. Then I can be ruthless and rude and not care about consequences. 

Tiny corner

Image source: Homestation Magazine
Image source: Homestation Magazine

Perhaps I should add a visitor counter to this blog. Just so my suspicions can be confirmed by solid facts.

Most of the time, I get the feeling that this blog isn’t really read by much of anyone. Or maybe even no one at all. I don’t think many people even remember I have a blog. Well, I’m not about to go out of my way to make that fact known… again.

Anyway, it’s pretty much accurate to say that I don’t really write the kind of stuff that people like to read about.

Based on social media trends these days, I have been led to think that in general, most people  like to read about unusual stuff, sensational news and just any tidbit of information that gives them the lowdown on what everyone else is interested in. They are especially interested in the latter because they want to pick up on whatever that thing it is that is being highlighted just so that they can fit in with the rest of the crowd.

These are just my observations, which may or may not be an accurate view. Just saying.

By the way, I’m really sorry that I’m actually wasting your life by making you read this extremely pessimistic and useless post. It’s one of those nights where I don’t feel so brilliant and am almost convinced that the world has no real need for me.

Perhaps it’s just the way that I’m dealing with a tiny bout of anger that has been festering since earlier tonight.

What does anger have to do with self-defeating conversations like this one, you may wonder. Well, I’m not entirely sure I know how to answer you. All  know is that, based on past experiences, it seems to be the case that negative feelings tend to come in a package.

High chance is that you’ll end up with two, five, ten, for the price of one. Don’t say nobody warned you.

Well, just so you know, I often think about what I should blog about for this website of mine. In fact, lately I have been pondering this even more than usual. I guess I want to make it count for something. So that if ever anyone actually ventures out here, they will feel their lives enriched just because of something I had written.

That’s a hard thing to do though, because it’s difficult to figure out what exactly people need to read in order to feel enlightened or cheered up or wiser.

Plus, the question also comes to mind whether I should be blogging for the sake of creating people pleasing content. Or instead, whether I should just say my piece and just let it be…  regardless of the outcome.