Small

I have tons of stories to tell. But I feel like they’re trivial.

While others have such grandiose topics to showcase their intelligence on, all I have are these tiny tales of things observed, discovered and experienced.

Having reached a midpoint of some sort in life, it gets harder by the day to convince myself that what I have in my head and heart counts for something.

It all seems so small.

Do I lack confidence? Not really. What I described is just a feeling, a sense of things; possibly right, mostly wrong.

What’s YOUR current view of life?

Do you see or feel what I have mentioned too?

Or perhaps you have moved onwards and upwards and have a better clue on what your life is amounting to and a greater discernment of what matters or doesn’t?

Every | body

Just last week, my son asked me, “Mummy, which part of your body do you like?”

It ought to be a simple question to answer, I suppose, but I found that I honestly couldn’t think of what to reply him.

What would you have said?

Now, here’s the thing: I don’t think I have a negative body image in general. I mean, I like my body enough to take care of it as much as I can. And I am fully aware of all my physical shortcomings, and though I am not fond of them, I have grown to accept them and do my best to work with what I have been given.

So I’m pretty okay living in my own skin. But I don’t particularly have a specific thing about my body that I’m especially proud about. Does that sound about right? Is that healthy? I wonder.

Here’s a quick summary of what it feels like living in my body:

  1. I have eczema so I often battle dry skin and random allergies and outbreaks. Not really sure what triggers it. I think certain foods do, but I don’t bother to investigate anymore. I also tend to scratch vigorously out of habit whenever I am stressed (for no particular reason).
  2. Because my body is a little on the sensitive side, I also often have colds/flus, which are mostly rhinitis (or so I think). What this means is that I frequently have a stuffy nose, am sneeezing or am battling some post-flu symptoms (sore throat, cough, phlegm, etc).
  3. I have no major health issues, but am often plagued with minor problems that are irksome. For example, I have been suffering from toenail fungus for 1-2 years now. I recently had issues involving mouth sores and an unexplained swelling of my upper lip every time I eat.
  4. I am petite in size, therefore not much of a bust and not very shapely in terms of my feminine figure. Which means that I look pretty much like a pre-adolescent.
  5. I am shortsighted and use fairly high powered lens, so this means whenever my specs get somehow knocked out of shape, I will get headaches because of the imbalance in vision. (Specs getting out of shape is even more common with a young child always in your face).
  6. I have thick, bushy, wavy hair. It looks ugly in almost any hairdo. Seriously.
  7. I am most definitely NOT tall. Haha.
  8. I had an emergency C section to give birth to Jamie so… there’s scars and also there are random pains at certain times of the month.

Well, I’m sure there are many other people out there facing bigger woes with their bodies so my issues probably pale in comparison. And I shouldn’t complain (which I generally don’t).

It just somewhat amused me that I couldn’t think of an answer with regards to what I like about my body. I guess I’m just glad everything is functioning and that I’m alive? I’m thankful for whatever God has given me, as imperfect as it is. I just don’t have a favourite part. I don’t know.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, Jamie’s answer to his own question was this: “My whole body.”

Well, at least we managed to instill in him a positive perspective about his body so far. Hehe.

Shift, twist

I guess the way I blog really needs to change. No more long and windy posts. Mostly because there’s not enough spare time to write them. 

But still thoughts and feelings and stories aplenty. If only I can manage to find the words to describe them adequately… 

This shift in style and approach begins now. Let’s hope for better things appearing here.

Thoughts

I can’t decide what I should write on tonight. So many thoughts swimming around inside my head. I’m trying to filter them because well, you can’t be too forthcoming about your personal life online (as in there are limits) and I feel I might be in danger of surpassing what is wise to reveal right now. 

So… rather than not writing at all, let me list down a brief summary of the things going through my head. If at all you gain nothing else from them, perhaps at least it is evidence of how frustratingly complex our minds can be at any one time. And how overthinking can be more of a curse than a blessing. 

1. Mother’s Day is this weekend. I feel like not becoming a celebrity. Last year, my first Mother’s Day was spent in the hospital caring for my sick son. Any peaceful day for this year’s Mother’s Day would be more than fine by me. 

2. Parents. What do you do with them? It feels like the longer I live my life, the less I understand them. And it feels sad and alienating and frustrating. 

3. I always have the feeling I am not doing enough. This is especially true on the home front. 

4. The feeling of loneliness isn’t the worst when I am physically alone, but rather when I feel that, despite being surrounded by people, nobody understands me or cares enough to want to understand. 

5. Poetry. I miss writing poetry. And all forms of creative prose. 

6. “Do I miss my full time job?” This is a question I am forever asking myself. And for which I can never completely answer. 

7. People are always saying how you only live once and that you’ll regret if you die and didn’t do this or that. But is that really so? Perhaps when you do die, you are just content that life is at its end. That for all the pain and difficulties, joys and sweet memories, successes and failures and lessons learned, there is a conclusion to it all. And, for better or worse, you made it through at last. 

8. I worry my son will one day hate me. That someday I will commit a terrible, unforgivable mistake. 

9. People always say spend time with your loved ones so you don’t regret it when they’re gone. But what if I want to spend time with them but they don’t seem to want to make time for me? Will I still regret it? Or will they?

10. Order and cleanliness is underrated. I’ve heard of books exalting the virtues of messiness and that it apparently does some good. Well, for some of us, a lack of these two qualities in our surroundings means we can never feel at ease. Or function at the best version of ourselves. 

11. No matter what we do, our human nature always tends to swing back towards self indulgence and conceit. 

12. Don’t just tell someone not to worry. Give them tangible, solid reasons to believe you. 

13. Why does everyone like Lang Leav’s poetry? And is Michael Faudet a real person? Why has modern poetry morphed into something so plain and lacking the aura of mystery in its wordplay?

14. I am wired to imagine the worst possible scenario. But as grim as that sounds, it sometimes helps. Because I am prepared for the worst. And the worst very rarely actually happens. 

15. Social connections feel somewhat pointless at times. Because people are more keen in talking than listening. I am not excluding myself from this description. 

16. I would love to tell my blog readers more about my passion for arts and crafts and DIY projects. 

17. Do dreams/ambitions really matter? And is actually achieving them the important thing, or is it more about letting it become the driving force that compels us to continue improving ourselves and striving for greater things in life? 

18. It baffles me why a “happily ever after” life will often dull a artist/creative person’s craft such that their creations afterwards seem to be of a lower quality. Must we continue to torture ourselves to produce outstanding masterpieces?

19. My body is troublesome. It is almost always giving me some health woe or another. Why? 

20. I do not seem to have the capacity to plan for my distant future anymore. I seem to be stuck living day by day. Just thinking about what to do next. But never going beyond that. But maybe life is less terrifying that way. 

Alright folks. Enough baring of my soul for now. Goodnight.