Terrified

If what most people say is to be believed, you’d think that the worse thing about parenthood is that you lose your freedom, your sense of individuality and your ability to sleep soundly without a care in the world.

But honestly, I think they are utterly wrong.

The most terrible part of parenting is really this: Constant feelings of guilt, inadequacy and worry.

Guilt because you almost always feel like you aren’t doing enough for your children. A regretful sentiment that convinces you that, time and again, you fail them in multiple ways that you cannot even recount yet cannot simply forget.

Inadequacy because you can’t shake off a nagging thought that perhaps you aren’t really suited for this virtually lifelong responsibility. Hence, you are perpetually messing things up.

And worry because you know your children are still vulnerable, and yet you can’t protect them enough from every single danger there is that lurks out there.

To top it all, the terrifying truth about all this is that there is no quick fix to dissolve all these tumultuous emotions for you. You have to live with them, and they inescapably change you.

But perhaps you can attempt to determine what kind of impact you will allow it to have on you. At the very least it’s something you can control.

The end looms far into the future, but you have today. And maybe, if you remained focussed on the right stuff, it just might be enough to get you through.

This ought to be your hope. It is certainly mine.

Every | body

Just last week, my son asked me, “Mummy, which part of your body do you like?”

It ought to be a simple question to answer, I suppose, but I found that I honestly couldn’t think of what to reply him.

What would you have said?

Now, here’s the thing: I don’t think I have a negative body image in general. I mean, I like my body enough to take care of it as much as I can. And I am fully aware of all my physical shortcomings, and though I am not fond of them, I have grown to accept them and do my best to work with what I have been given.

So I’m pretty okay living in my own skin. But I don’t particularly have a specific thing about my body that I’m especially proud about. Does that sound about right? Is that healthy? I wonder.

Here’s a quick summary of what it feels like living in my body:

  1. I have eczema so I often battle dry skin and random allergies and outbreaks. Not really sure what triggers it. I think certain foods do, but I don’t bother to investigate anymore. I also tend to scratch vigorously out of habit whenever I am stressed (for no particular reason).
  2. Because my body is a little on the sensitive side, I also often have colds/flus, which are mostly rhinitis (or so I think). What this means is that I frequently have a stuffy nose, am sneeezing or am battling some post-flu symptoms (sore throat, cough, phlegm, etc).
  3. I have no major health issues, but am often plagued with minor problems that are irksome. For example, I have been suffering from toenail fungus for 1-2 years now. I recently had issues involving mouth sores and an unexplained swelling of my upper lip every time I eat.
  4. I am petite in size, therefore not much of a bust and not very shapely in terms of my feminine figure. Which means that I look pretty much like a pre-adolescent.
  5. I am shortsighted and use fairly high powered lens, so this means whenever my specs get somehow knocked out of shape, I will get headaches because of the imbalance in vision. (Specs getting out of shape is even more common with a young child always in your face).
  6. I have thick, bushy, wavy hair. It looks ugly in almost any hairdo. Seriously.
  7. I am most definitely NOT tall. Haha.
  8. I had an emergency C section to give birth to Jamie so… there’s scars and also there are random pains at certain times of the month.

Well, I’m sure there are many other people out there facing bigger woes with their bodies so my issues probably pale in comparison. And I shouldn’t complain (which I generally don’t).

It just somewhat amused me that I couldn’t think of an answer with regards to what I like about my body. I guess I’m just glad everything is functioning and that I’m alive? I’m thankful for whatever God has given me, as imperfect as it is. I just don’t have a favourite part. I don’t know.

Anyway, in case you were wondering, Jamie’s answer to his own question was this: “My whole body.”

Well, at least we managed to instill in him a positive perspective about his body so far. Hehe.

On the bright side

So much stuff to do around here. Ought to get round to it… 

Squirrel!*

Hehe. Well, jokes aside, it’s been a pretty decent month, this October. And best part is, it isn’t even over yet! 

If you know me in person, you’d surely be aware that I’m not typically a very optimistic or chirpy individual, but I’m trying to stay on the bright side of life. I think I’m realising that I need to at least try to be so as I continue to journey on in my life. A survival tactic. 

Honestly, it’s kind of hard to be content when everyday I’m mostly stuck doing mundane things like house chores, meal prep and meeting work deadlines (which I really shouldn’t complain about given my measly freelance portfolio at the moment). Not to mention too the inability to indulge in much of anything recreational in nature. 

But as you probably read in my previous post, I’m trying to do what I can to savour the good, learn from the bad and keep my spirits up. 

In fact, I’d dare say I have accomplished a fair bit of stuff lately. Let’s list them out, shall we? 

  1. I baked 2 rounds of celebratory dessert fare in conjunction with my husband’s birthday (read: made peanut butter cupcakes AND a caramel cheesecake). All by myself. Almost. Well… Deric and Jamie did help a little for the cheesecake decor part because I was running out of time though. Teehee. 
  2. I have commenced repair work of Jamie’s jacket zipper. Finally! I have put this off for really long because of an irrational fear of not knowing how to sew zippers nor use a zipper foot on the sewing machine. 
  3. I restarted a new batch of compost tea to benefit my future plants (read: they keep dying aargh).
  4. Completed reading an entire novel over a mere few days. Dean Koontz, no less. (And yes, parenting makes you rejoice over seemingly simple things because they have now become almost virtually impossible). 

Okay, well, that isn’t a very long list. Maybe there’s more but brain cannot conjure them from my memory for now.  

But I’m generally in a place of contentment. For now. I hope it sticks. 

Been contemplating how to revive my journalling habits (which I’ve failed to do countless times) and I think I might try focussing on writing down these tiny things I accomplish daily in an attempt to motivate myself and feel better about everything. And maybe along the way I’ll throw in some stuff about Jamie and what I observe about his developments and my feelings about him growing up too. 

Anyway, gotta go snooze a bit more while I can now. Morning breaks. I was coining copy earlier for a client. Zzz. Bye. 

*In case you didn’t get that reference I made up there, it’s from that glorious movie, Up. Relevant GIF excerpt shown below. Hehe.