Destiny and other dangerous dilemmas in life

Okay, so I have a confession to make.

After growing up as a Christian and learning to hone a relationship with God, I actually feel quite disappointed. Here’s why.

Back in the days when I was a teen, I remember listening to tons of sermons about God’s will for me and how He has wonderful things in store for my life and that I will rise up to become an adult who will eventually do great things for Him.

I guess most of us who grew up in Christian circles would be familiar with these sorts of positive messages, which were usually accompanied by an exhortation to lead a life that’s pure and holy by always standing up for what we believe in; sharing our faith with others; abstaining from pre-marital sex, drugs and every common kind of evil which tempts a teen; and developing a close and personal relationship with Jesus.

Looking back at those times, I guess I can see what these preachers and spiritual leaders were trying to accomplish. They were sowing seeds of faith in the lives of us youth, giving us hope for our distant future and encouraging us to plod along in our spiritual walk by telling us that it will all be worth something in the end.

I believe those words did get me through many difficult seasons in my teenage days. Days when I struggled with believing that I was someone of value to God or when I felt all alone and unnoticed as I did my best to serve God and maintain that fine balance in life where I was adhering to His commandments for my life and at the same time, excelling in my studies.

But in some ways, the awesome promises put across by those speakers of my teenage days often make me question if I have really ever attained that abundant life in God that I’m supposed to have possessed now that I’m an adult.

Back then, they could successfully encourage us by asking us to look ahead and believe that there was a whole lot of exciting things in store for our lives. So much potential lay before us. Studies had not yet been completed, careers and life partners still unchosen, financial decisions that would tie us down for many years to come a distant concern.

Here, however, in my 30s, I have experienced all these things already.

I have earned my passage rites into the working world, changed jobs, worked out a career path that is agreeable to my personality and achievable based on my given abilities.

I have dated, been proposed to, married and now have a child on the way.

My husband and I have made multiple decisions about money, some of which will impact our lives for years to come. Loans to pay. Investments made in earnest, in the hopes that we will have enough to survive in the twilight years of our lives.

Now that I am at this juncture of my life, I feel that everything is undeniably so… ordinary. Relating with others has taught me that much that I experience is common to what others go through. I am not particularly outstanding, I just am here and have a certain lot in life which God has graciously afforded me.

But there is no great plan that unfolded before me. No conquest into unknown worlds or slaying of giants. No throngs of people asking Jesus to be their Lord and Saviour all because of my life.

And so, I feel a tad disappointed.

Perhaps also thankful in a way… since if I had that wilderness wandering, death defying, giant slaying life I’d probably not be living the quiet, peaceful way that I am today.

I would likely not be married. Maybe not even have a full time job and would be instead a pastor or the head of some obscure church ministry. I’d be travelling to remote places to reach out to a group of strangers that I was somehow convicted about and believed God wants me to preach the gospel to. I’d have potentially no savings, and a huge treasure stored up in heaven.

Or perhaps that’s just the stereotype Christian martyr lifestyle that we were all raised to believe. It could all have been just a misguided concept of what the ideal Christian ought to be doing with their life.

The reality might be that God intended for me to be exactly where I am in life right now and that this is the spectacular future that He has always planned for me to possess.

There’s no denying there have been plenty of miracles and blessings I’ve encountered along the way. No fireworks or explosions or mighty signs and wonders though. Just tiny sparks of meaning, that remind me at just the right time that there is a God who cares about me after all.

It’s a dilemma of sorts that I face here. Whether to just be content with my lot in life and to give it my best shot, or whether to refuse to believe that this is all that there is to it, and to strive endlessly for that elusive Christian greatness that could be out there for me. Or might not be.

Either option requires faith. So perhaps choosing either response may not be wrong.

What do you think?

Tiny corner

Image source: Homestation Magazine
Image source: Homestation Magazine

Perhaps I should add a visitor counter to this blog. Just so my suspicions can be confirmed by solid facts.

Most of the time, I get the feeling that this blog isn’t really read by much of anyone. Or maybe even no one at all. I don’t think many people even remember I have a blog. Well, I’m not about to go out of my way to make that fact known… again.

Anyway, it’s pretty much accurate to say that I don’t really write the kind of stuff that people like to read about.

Based on social media trends these days, I have been led to think that in general, most people  like to read about unusual stuff, sensational news and just any tidbit of information that gives them the lowdown on what everyone else is interested in. They are especially interested in the latter because they want to pick up on whatever that thing it is that is being highlighted just so that they can fit in with the rest of the crowd.

These are just my observations, which may or may not be an accurate view. Just saying.

By the way, I’m really sorry that I’m actually wasting your life by making you read this extremely pessimistic and useless post. It’s one of those nights where I don’t feel so brilliant and am almost convinced that the world has no real need for me.

Perhaps it’s just the way that I’m dealing with a tiny bout of anger that has been festering since earlier tonight.

What does anger have to do with self-defeating conversations like this one, you may wonder. Well, I’m not entirely sure I know how to answer you. All  know is that, based on past experiences, it seems to be the case that negative feelings tend to come in a package.

High chance is that you’ll end up with two, five, ten, for the price of one. Don’t say nobody warned you.

Well, just so you know, I often think about what I should blog about for this website of mine. In fact, lately I have been pondering this even more than usual. I guess I want to make it count for something. So that if ever anyone actually ventures out here, they will feel their lives enriched just because of something I had written.

That’s a hard thing to do though, because it’s difficult to figure out what exactly people need to read in order to feel enlightened or cheered up or wiser.

Plus, the question also comes to mind whether I should be blogging for the sake of creating people pleasing content. Or instead, whether I should just say my piece and just let it be…  regardless of the outcome.

Mess mania

Illustration: This mess is a place
Image source: This Mess is a Place

There is this ongoing mental list of things that I’d like to accomplish within my lifetime. The list keeps growing, and to be honest, I rarely get round to actually doing any of the items on that list.

Sometimes, when I want to describe how it feels like with all these cluttered thoughts littering the insides of my head, the word that comes to mind is “messy”. My thought life is a mess.

Perhaps you can blame it on the fact that most of us Gen Ys are easily distracted. I do admit that one of the reasons that I think of so many things to do and never really act on them is the fact that it is really easy for me to get sidetracked and end up focusing on something I hadn’t intended on actually doing in the first place than the original task I had in mind.

What I’m doing right now is a classic example. I’m writing a blog post when I should in fact be vacuuming the floor. At least that’s what I told myself I would aim to do before Deric and I left home to go over to my parent’s place for dinner tonight.

The other thing about this mental list of To-Dos that I store in my head is that I think very often I procrastinate getting down to getting them done because I have some irrational level of fear regarding those items.

For example, one constant item that has been on the list for years is “Write a book”. I’ve always wanted to publish a beautifully bound, hard copy of something that I’ve written. And if it can make money for me as well, even better.

But for some reason or another, I’ve always put it off. Ideas have come and gone, and I discard most of them because I think they’re lousy and I fear that absolutely NO ONE will ever be interested in them or would even want to read any further than the first sentence once they’ve laid eyes on my masterpiece.

So, mainly because these two reasons (endless distractions and ridiculous fears), my mind is a mess and my ambitions stay stuck, hanging in the balance.

I am now 30 years of age. I have probably already lived a third or half of my life span as it is. I really must find a better way of getting the items on my list done before the unexpected moment of death creeps up on me. I don’t really relish the thought of ending my life wrapped up in feelings of regret.

These are the thoughts that I am carrying with me today as I think about the week that is before me (Deric and I are on leave the whole of this week – a rarity, yet I have this uncanny tendency of being able to waste such time as this all too easily) and the fact that 2013 is very quickly reaching its conclusion.

Sometimes I wonder why God has made me so much of a dreamer. I feel it is one of my greatest follies.

Difficult

It is difficult to write these days, even more so to blog. I am still trying to figure out why.

Perhaps it’s because of a lack of enchantment over day-to-day events (as compared to the past foolish excitement experienced while blogging during adolescence)? Or overwhelmingly stringent principles of self-editing that were previously non-existent? Maybe it’s due to the fear of sounding silly or trivial? Or, just the evidence a creative mind turned dull thanks to being seared by routine?

I came across an interesting blog today called Life For Beginners, which has been set up by another Malaysian writer who also blogs. I find his short posts quite captivating, and in response, I once again beat myself up mentally for not trying harder to at least put up blog posts more regularly or to write about more fascinating subject matter.

It’s funny how my creative writing abilities have gone downhill since I started writing for a living. Something seriously needs to be done.